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How to survive Bangkok Part 2 - Ping Pong!

18 Dec 2017 Written by 
How to survive Bangkok Part 2 - Ping Pong!

Continuing on from the last woeful effort, something not to be missed whilst spending a day or two in Bangkok, is of course the cultural phenomenom that is the Ping Pong Show. Readers not interested in vaginal shenanigans should turn away now, and I apologise is anyone's offended by this section. I'll try not to swear too much, and to save the ears of the children i'll only use Jamaican English Patois when referring to the ladyfrontbum. If you've got Jamaican kids, they're f*cked.
For those not interested in seeing some poor soul pulling a Millenium Falcon out of their bumboclaat and an X-Wing from their flapping bobs, just go anyway and be happy in the knowledge that you're helping to support some of the poor, unfortunate souls (and all of their kids) who've somehow ended up in this business. To find one, it's all about Patpong Night Market. A rubbish market unless you want fake as f*** Rolex and Louis Vuitton stuff, it's best to start choosing your potential ping-pong venue as you walk around it, looking for the ones on ground level which tend to be a little more reputable, in the absolute loosest sense of the word. 

I recommend, of course, 'Super Pussy', named after the owners quite incredible cat, which I've been led to believe can pull an entire other cat out of its punaani.


Now, there are many ways to be scammed at these shows, which are all notorious for taking money from tourists. My expert tips (and if my wife asks, i've never been before) are:

- Try not to go alone, get a couple of other pervs to come with you.
- Tell them you've been before, and know how it works with the 'exit scam' surprise bill.
- Explicitly ask the tout as well as the owner of the show what the cover charge is, what the drink fee is, if there is any exit charge, if there is a show fee, etc.
- Make sure if they say it's 200 baht (usual price for one drink and entry) for the show, it's for all the shows and not just one performer!
- Prepay drinks as you go along so you aren’t hit with large fees when you try to settle up later.
- The chance of having a huge surprise of a bill that you are demanded to pay is very high, They know they’re lying; they do it to everyone who comes in. Just laugh at them for trying and leave!
- Take small change (20s, 50's) as the performers expect to be tipped, and get upset if you don't. 20 - 50 baht is fine per girl.
- Don't take the girl home with you, or anywhere else for that matter - she'll have a small otter in her bloodclaat still (probably).

All together, if you're good and stick to your guns you'll probably end up paying a few hundred baht per person, if not you're talking at least 1000 baht each and you'll have to marry the ugly one with the battered galamitty.
The shows are not at all sexy, so don't expect a monk-on boys. Having a few really bored looking girls (usually not that pretty) pulling razor blades, shooting darts, writing you letters (really) and blowing out candles with their pum-pum is something that you can never un-see, and very likely never ever ever want to see again. It's interesting to see once, like that Britney Spears getting out of a car photo,and that's usually more than enough for anyone.

Just don't try to join in without practising at home first, maybe start with a cherry and work your way up?

 

 

The views expressed here are the views of one, poor unfortunate who somehow still works for Big Blue. Big Blue take no responsibility for and in no way agree with anything here, now and in the future,

 

 

 

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