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The Dissection of Andy Campbell, Tech Diver Extraordinaire

 

 

After the stunning surprise of not getting sacked after the last inadequate blog was uploaded, there's actually been a bit of feedback from you lot, our desperate readers - surely you've something better you could be doing, doesn't the sink need re-grouting or something?. Most have asked to know more about not just Big Blue, but the people who make it what it the stunning success that it is - the instructors and divemasters.

Today, after careful consideration on whom I will do my best to offend in any way possible, I have chosen to follow around for the day Andy 'Angry' Campbell and his delectable partner in a fart-filled office, Mr Paco Rabanne Garcia. For those lucky enough not to know these incredible 'men' (i've seen no proof), Andy is in charge of the Tech Diving department of Big Blue - it's like recreational diving, but for those with tiny penises, and Paco is his assistant/BFF

07:00 - Andy's long suffering protege Paco gets in first, to make sure that the Tech Shack is clean enough for the imminent appearance of Lord Campbell, and to warm up his slippers in the microwave. The lingering smell of a thousand chuffs hangs ominously in the air from the previous days 'off-gassing'.

07.55 - Paco is Andy's first victim of the day, having a little cry when he hears Andy pull up in his Citroen 2CV.

08.00 - Andy appears, notices the bags under Paco's eyes, and laughs a laugh that makes all his plants wither and the milk go sour. Somewhere, an angel dies.

10:00 - After 2 hours of shouting an inanimate object (the shower) for having the audacity to change temperature slightly when he was washing his goolies, Andy pulls on some filthy BB Tech t-shirt, a pair of shorts Neil would be proud of, pokes a kitten in the eye (he always has one on hand for this exact reason) and heads out to the beach, leaving Paco alone in his misery - coincidentally also Paco's favourite time of day!
10:30 - His first students of the day arrive - it's a couple of our divemaster trainees! They already look frightened as Andy scowls at them for being youthful and being on time.

10:31 - Both are already in tears for 'not knowing everything already', despite just arriving. One of them is sent home for wearing bright colours, and huge no-no in the Tech diving community - black doesn't show the grease stains from Andy's 1950's hair pomade, you see.

10:32 - The real teaching begins, as Andy gleefully pulls out the pièce de résistance of technical diving - a Texas Instruments Scientific Calculator, that can do graphs and stuff.

11:30 - After being cheered up quite significantly by the much more affable calculator, the students dry their tears on Paco's favourite wetsuit, now used solely as a cleaning rag to 'put him in his bloody place'.

12.00 - After mastering the calculators dreamy functions, Andy now blindfolds his students and goes home for a break, leaving them to pack their diving kit without the use of their eyes - presumably as by the time they've finished this course they would've cried both the bastards out.

12:30 - After a brief trip to the local school to tell the kids the truth about Santa, Andy reappears with a puppy he found on the street.

12:31 - The puppy implodes, after listening to just one minute of Andy's patter.

13:00 - Diving! The still blind-folded students, now seriously regretting all of their life choices that led up to this harrowing experience, follow the trail of a million DMT tears before them and somehow end up on the boat unharmed physically, but mentally already dead. One of them has forgotten the calculator, and is immediately made to leave Thailand forever via swimming.

13:30 - After putting on some totally ridiculous shorts and what appear to be some some of bondage/gimp suit, they start to descend. After ten minutes of diving and about an hour of hanging on to a rope underwater doing sums, the trainees tears now raise the water levels on the island by a good few centimetres, washing away the sandcastle Andy had spent the whole of yesterday forcing Paco to build. You're in trouble now Paco!

15:00 - The surface interval - 90 minutes of Baron Campbell moaning about the prices of calculators, the positive benefits of the Brexit and how people need to 'harden the f*** up!', all whilst eating a fistful of Jammy Dodgers and drinking a cup of 'Lady Grey' tea, which he gets imported at great cost and takes out of Paco's wages.

17:30 - His students vow never to return to the oceans, and have another wee cry at the thought of all the math they need to do at a depth of 3 metres, for ages. Andy punches the air with delight, and takes out a passing Puffin much to his pleasure.

18:30 - The diving day is over, and all the tanks need to be re-filled for tomorrow. Paco immediately does it, and escapes a good thrashing.

19:00 - Andy retires to the bar, and over a white wine spritzer manages to bore half the people there with his tales of mathematics, the best sand and the easiest way to make a girl cry. The rest of the bar he (of course) makes cry, belittling them for not having clown-shorts with massive pockets, for wearing a colour other than black and for actually enjoying the marine life, a huge faux pas with Tech divers around the world.

21:00 - Andy's bedtime, and Paco's second-favourite time of the day as he can stand over him sleeping and try to drown him with his tears.

 

It was at this point in my spying when it all became too much for your dear writer. It truly was the longest of days, one that'll never leave me till the day I die, and has made me aware of the true brutality of the world today, a world of tears, black stuff, hanging on to ropesdoing sums, Paco's tortures and of course the hero of the day, Big Blue's most valuable team member and Andy's mentor, the Texas Instruments scientific calculator.

 

 

DISCLAIMER

Andy and Paco are actually excellent Tech divers, and also very interesting too. Everything written here is a load of old clap-trap, to be honest. To get more information on the Tech diving we offer here please contact Andy himself via Facebook on our 'Big Blue Tech' page, or the old fashioned way via our email.

 

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Read 651 times Last modified on Thursday, 28 December 2017 10:13