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What was the best job -  Divemaster or sex-shop worker?

 

 

It’s a little known fact round these parts, but in my previous incarnation in the real world I was lucky enough to experience one of the greatest jobs I could imagine, running a sex shop called ‘Pleasure Chest’ in the heart of Sydney, Australia. It was easily the funniest and most disgusting job I’ve had (which I can’t really describe in full here due to censorship and vulgarity laws) and more often than not it was just plain weird, but as the boss has asked me to compare it with the 2nd best job in the world – Koh Tao Divemaster – I’ll be delving deep into the repressed memories and trying to see what similarities we have between the two, other than the lingering smell of tuna and cat-piss.

 

Sexshop

Potential for growth within the company

The office role of the Divemaster in a dive centre like Big Blue is essentially organizing all of the dive boats and divers to the most suitable places, and ensure that there’s sufficient equipment for the divers. Being responsible for the day-to-day running of the dive centre obviously leaves you very nicely placed if looking to progress through the ranks at Big Blue, and with the diving role meaning you get to master every dive site on the island who better to consider when looking for the right dive instructor?

Running a sex shop generally involved tidying up the porno magazines, making lovely displays to help promote the various sex toys, helping old men find a nice young man to slobber over and buzz people into the different rooms/booths/cruising lounge areas. I answered only to the sweaty, creepy cross-eyed cocaine-fuelled owner, so the only chance of getting promoted would be to buy him out, or marry him then throttle him to death with a 15 inch dong.

Divemaster 1 Sex Shop 0

 

Employee Benefits

Diving for free for the rest of your life is one hell of a perk for us PADI and SSI Divemasters, Koh Tao really does have some very beautiful divesites and with whalesharks being seen regularly by our fundivers now there’s no better time to take advantage of this excellent bonus. In fact, when you think about it pretty much all of the diving part of the Divemaster job is a great – find cool stuff, then point at it!

The benefits in spending you day in a sex shop are very…different. The place I worked at had private one-man booths, private rooms for couples, and the wonderfully named ‘Suckatorium’, where $10 got you an all-day pass to be entertained by men (customers themselves, actually, but more generous ones) in ways that can easily imagined from the room’s name. As well as these we sold all manner of toys, dolls, movies, lubricants and my personal favourite for quiet days, bottles of amyl nitrate or ‘poppers’ as they are usually called.

As we always had a variety of different bottles of poppers open for people to sample, inevitably whenever I got a bit bored I’d crack open a bottle and enjoy that intensely warm, fuzzy, hilarious hit they produce. Combined with the amazing perks of catching men pleasuring themselves in dark corners all night long (not that amazing, actually), receiving numerous gifts from infatuated pensioners looking to convert yours truly to a life of gaydom, AND being able to monitor all the different movies that were being chosen by our customers (i.e watching leather-bound lactating midget-porn for about 6 hours a day, every day) it’s easy to see how the pure, innocent boy that first arrived there left the place as a fully-fledged deviant, with daily flashbacks of bad acting, terrible soundtracks and intimate knowledge of just how lucky plumbers and pizza delivery men are.

Divemaster 2 Sex Shop 0

 

Chance of meeting your significant other there

It’s a well-known fact that the chance of meeting your future husband or wife at your workplace is very high indeed, after all it’s much easier to drop a few rohypnol into a workmates glass rather than a total stranger’s. So how do the two workplaces in question match up?

At Big Blue, a LOT of people working together end up hooking up. As an unmarried Catholic virgin this is very troublesome indeed to my delicate innocent mind, but it does appear that spending every day with the same dive professionals eventually leads to sexy times being had by all, despite what The Lord teaches us in his bibles. To have semi-naked, like-minded people out on the oceans as the sun rises and falls every day is rather romantic, to be fair – but was it more romantic than the Pleasure Chest?

You’re damn right it was. Romance is NOT a word associated with a dark sex shop that smells like poppers and gentlemen’s relish. The most romantic thing in the whole bloody place was probably the glory-holes in the walls of the beating-off booths, and to be honest you don’t really get much decent conversation through a glory-hole and you certainly don’t want to hold your ear up to one…

I’m not saying that there weren’t some lovely people there, I made a lot of friends with the lonely old men who used to hang out (literally) there every day, but meeting a life partner in a place where people aim to spend no more than ten minutes before running off in a sticky mess is not something that happens very often, I can assure you dear reader.

Divemaster 3 Sex Shop 0

 

suit

 

Opportunities to smell Fish

No explanation necessary.

Divemaster 3 Sex Shop 1

 

Does it leave you fulfilled at the end of the work day?

Returning from a beautiful long dive with happy customers excitedly going over the different things that they’d spotted underwater is a wonderful feeling for the Divemaster, after all it’s the job of the DM to find things the diver wouldn’t normally be able to find themselves. It’s also pretty hard to find the most elusive of marine life, and it takes a special kind of person (and a keenly trained eye) to find the weirdest things that lurk on our Koh Tao divesites – so when you do manage to locate that extra special shrimp or super-rare nudibranch even the most cold-hearted DM will get a buzz of excitement!

The sex-shop has a very different type of buzz. Double-headed, multi-directional, battery powered or hand-driven, the type of buzz available is often just as wet, twice as fishy but with the same amount of tight rubber suits, in my own personal experience. It’s was never that fulfilling either, as watching 6 hours of porn every night would usually leave me a little…tense. Some parts were more tense than others, obviously, and it wasn’t like I could go and try out the moves I’d been staring at non-stop for most of the shift…it’s a little off-putting to pull off an ‘Erotic Accordion’ on your sleeping partner when you get home in the wee hours of the morning, she told me.

Final Score : Divemaster 4 Sex Shop 1

 

toy

 

So as predicted it’s a thrashing for the sex shop (insert whip joke here) with the work of the lowly Divemaster once again being hailed as the best damn job that anyone could ever conceive, in the history of the universe.

 

Sign up for your chance to here in the Big Blue office, with DM training starting every single day of the year!

 

NB No lactating midgets were harmed in the writing of this blog.

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Read 704 times Last modified on Monday, 23 April 2018 07:55
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