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A Day in the Life of Big Blue

22 Dec 2017 ="post-tag" > Written by  'The Soon to be Sacked One' ="post-tag" >
A Day in the Life of Big Blue


People often ask us about our personal lives, the daily life at Big Blue and how we manage to survive the stresses and terrors of living every day on a small tropical island, without a McDonalds. The best way to answer this question is, I believe, in my next cacky-arsed blog attempt. All of it is the honest-to-God truth as sponsored by OJ Simpson, the cops that beat Rodney Clark and the Grand Poobah of Honesty himself, everyone's hero Donald J Trump.

Without further ado, here is the day in the life of Koh Tao's best dive centre ever in the world today.

5.00am - Everyone is still sleeping, it appears. A rustle in the bushes around Big Blue reveals manager Steveo in his natural habitat, checking that no one built a McDonalds whilst he was sleeping. They haven't mate, wipe away those tears.

5.30am - Neil leaves his coffin, puts on clothes that even the binmen wouldn't wear, and rubs a mixture of cobwebs, cigarette ash and bogeys onto his bald dome, to encourage hair growth. Doesn't there have to be some hair to call it 'hair growth'?
In other parts of the island, our DMTs are probably just arriving home after another long night 'studying' Cheech and Chong movies.

6.00am - Big Bue's hardest working yet worst paid staff, the divemasters, arrive to pack everything needed for the morning's dives. Equipment expert and BB's sexiest man Moe is still asleep on top of the bags, still smoking, and still oblivious to what the hell is going on around him and how he's managed to stay employed with us since year dot. We also wonder.

6.15am - The fundivers and Open Water students arrive, wondering what the foook they're doing up in the middle of the night on their holidays. The instructors aren't far behind, immediately helping the DMs by eating bacon sanwiches in the restaurant 'checking the sea for anomalies'. You can see why they're paid so much, it's really a tough job.

7.01am - The videographer arrives, 1 minute after the boat has left, and has to sprint throught the shallows whilst simultaneously stuffing a 711 cheese toastie into their mouths and muttering something about a mystery alarm clock that 'didn't go off'- a common problem with the alarm clocks of alcoholics.

8.00am - The reception is officially open for the day, and the shopgirls are due to start their harrowing daily duties of checking instagram and moaning at instuctors.

8.20am - The shopgirls arrive.

8.21am - The shopgirls take a snack break, for an hour.

9.00am - Steveo appears, still with a bit of foliage nestled in his comb-over from his nights foraging. He declares to all and sundry that there's "still no friggin' McDonalds", and breaks down emotionally.

10.00am - Cured by a Kit Kat and three Club sandwiches, management snaps into action and does some stuff. Important stuff, which I believe has something to do with checking what everyone's had to eat that day, and where they got it from. Somewhere, chief shopgirl Jess cackles and gets onto her broomstick to come to work the late shift.

Midday - The morning divers are back, the afternoon divers are preparing to leave, and the instructors have moved on from bacon sandwiches and progressed onto some kind of chicken wrap, or whatever is fashionable these days. They continue to check the sea hasn't left, leaving the divemasters to do the fun jobs like doing everything else.

Now we enter that time of the day when nothing really happens for few hours. You can be assured that what people are eating will be checked, and that the eye of newt and owl's wing that Jess is throwing into her cauldron will soon be a delicious charm of powerful trouble, like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

3.00pm - The afternoon instructor arrives, fresh and full of beans. Immediately grilled on what they've eaten all day, the soon relax into a lovely shift of watching men wrestling with each other on Youtube, harassing the shopgirls and making hilarious jokes about penetration, 'going down' and releasing gases. It's usually this time of day that Simon and Iain, our instructor trainers, get out of bed and think about doing some 'work'. They won't.

4.00pm - Luke White, ex-fatty bum-bum and Big Blue's stupidest looking instructor, floats down from the heavens to bless us with his positive outlook, chit-chat and quirky observations. A big fan of Taylor Swift, he is likely to break into the latest dance routine he spent all last night learning.

5.00pm - In anticipation of the afternoon divers return all of the shopgirls go on a break together, leaving chaos behind them as everyone tries to pay their bills with P'Joy our chief housekeeper. P'Joy swaps their money for a few tins of 'Pledge' and a bottle of whiskey, essential housekeeping fuel apparently. 5 minutes later she's asleep on someones bed, much to their annoyance.

6.00pm - The shop divemaster, after working solidly since their arrival earlier on in the morning with little or no appreciation from anyone ever, goes home to listen to sad songs and cut themselves whilst crying about the plight of poor, stupid Dory.

7.00pm - Simon and Iain triumphantly leave work, after another hour of real man work, and three hours of watching funny cat videos. A rumour spreads that a Burger King may be coming to Koh Tao soon.
7.01pm - Steveo runs out like a kid chasing the ice cream truck, shouting 'Flippin' eck, ah'm reet gonna kill fora bleedin' Whopper', and immediately gets wedged between two palm trees, for the third time this week.

7.02 pm - The shopgirls finish their snackbreak, and go home with everyone's passports to sell to the Taliban or something.

7.30pm - Andreas is drunk at the bar, despite not actually living or working here anymore. His ghostly molesting presence will never leave us, RIP the mumbling one.

9.00pm - Bedtime for all, except for Scotty who needs no sleep, just bloody grog. Another day in paradise, another day with no McDonalds. Luckily for us we've all got tomorrow to look forward to, and hopefully another day of great diving too.

 Now did someone say something about a Burger King...?

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Read 2393 times Last modified on Friday, 22 December 2017 16:01