Looking to escape the real world and play with the fishies? As cute as stupid Nemo may be, there’s a lot of stuff deep down that’d scare the pants off a penguin, so without further ado I present my top 5 scariest things that I absolutely do not want to be face to face with underwater, unless it’s seconds before I bash their heads in with a shovel.
Goblin Shark
This disgusting piece of the Lord’s work has been seen off the coast of Mississippi, Australia, giving me yet another reason to not visit that drunken mess of a country where even the Koalas have got bloody Chlamydia (fact). I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want when going for a dip is this old-man’s penis with jagged teeth looking thing nibbling on my nads. Watch out Crocodile Dundee!
Luckily for us, these mysterious creatures swim in depths of 40 metres to 1,200 metres, and the majority of these fish that have been caught were at depths of between 60m and 280 m. It is believed they eat amongst other things OTHER SHARKS, which really reinforces its No. 1 spot on this list as the scariest bastard lurking underwater. Oh, it also has translucent skin so when you look at it you’re seeing its insides, the big show-off.
Angler Fish
The proud owner of the ocean’s loveliest smile, these stupid-looking idiots are found mainly in the Atlantic and after spending the last hour looking at pictures of them probably in my nightmares too. These toothy predators like to spend time at depths of around 1000-3000 metres, which is the exact depth I have to dive to escape the nagging off my ex-wife.
There over 200 species of Angler fish, none of them worth giving your phone number to. They’re typically pretty small, though some can reach 1 metre in length.
Black Swallower
Firstly, this name can lead you to some things on Google that my Mammy told me never to look at as God is always watching, so be careful if you’re doing your own research on this wonderfully-named freak of nature.
Secondly, let me introduce you to worst fatty underwater: this 20-30cm fish is both greedy and incredibly stupid, and lives like so many of these horrifying creatures in deep waters of the Atlantic, Pacific and Indian Oceans. Because they’re such little porkers they will regularly eat things waaaaaaaaaaaay too big for their super-stretchy-bellies, which then explode and they die terribly with their guts all over the place.
That’s what you get.
Deep Sea Dragonfish
This ferocious little shit with huge teeth and a shockingly ugly face lives in most of the deeper oceans of the world. Apart from the terrifying teeth which definitely do NOT belong in that little head, it is also famous for carrying its own little light around with it like a good boy should. Only 6 inches long (that’s massive, girls) it uses this light-producing barbel to attract and confuse prey, which it then rips to shreds presumably with its horrific large fangs to show them who’s boss.
Frilled Shark
First found in Japan in the 19th century by some unlucky so and so, this snakey-looking tooth-filled shark has more recently been found off the coast of Africa to the delight of dentists everywhere. Featuring 300 trident-shaped, backward facing teeth in 25 rows it’s definitely not a shark to punch in the mouth, and that’s not even thinking about the super-shark spines in the mouth.
Thankfully for all of us declaring never to get eaten up by prehistoric monsters, this 1 metre long sausage with teeth likes to spend time in depths of around 120 metres plus, so the only ones likely to get munched on are our technical divers , which is no great loss really…
